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The Clay County Advocate - Press-Flora, IL
  • It Is What It Is: Put me in, coach!

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  • I want to ask you something. But I need an honest answer. No blowing sunshine, OK? I want you to be completely straight with me.
    In your opinion, do you think I deserve a shot at solving the world’s peace problems?
    Now hang on. Don’t just blurt out your answer. Take a minute to think about it first. And while you’re thinking, I’ll explain why I think I’m at least as qualified as anyone else out there who’s already tried. Maybe even more so. Then you can decide if you think I deserve a chance.
    I’m asking because I’ve been watching all the war and killing and finger pointing going on in the world lately and frankly, as a card-carrying member of Mankind, I’m just plain tired of it. And I think I’ve got a simple solution that will calm everybody down and diffuse all the drama.
    That’s because, at least in my opinion, war is little more than a glorified pissing contest. And who better to break up a pissing contest than someone who doesn’t even have the right body parts to enter one in the first place.
    Now don’t go getting all offended, thinking that I’m making light of war, because I most certainly am not. What I am saying is that war is unnecessary and I’m dumbfounded that the people running the world haven’t figured that out yet. So make no mistake, even though my seriousness may be ever so slightly veiled in humor, doesn’t mean I’m making light of it. Because I’m not. I’m just breaking it down into simple terms.
    I mean, I can’t be the only one out here who’s noticed that people just keep fighting over the same things? Can I? They argue about religion, property and freedom. And the ironic thing is, I’m pretty sure there’s enough of everything to go around. People just have to be reminded to quit hogging stuff. And who better to remind them than a mom. And since I’m a mom, why not me?
    I want you to think back to the origins of human conflict and conflict resolution. I’m talking Neanderthal Era, when people really started arguing over stuff. Granted, it was pretty basic stuff like clubs and spears and loincloths, but conflict is conflict. Now, think about who was there at the center of these original conflicts. I’ll tell you who. Moms. The first mediators in history. Look it up. Moms like me. Moms like you. Doing what moms have done since the beginning of time. Mediate.
    It was the cavemom who dished out the first generation of timeouts and consequences and made sure everybody played nice. And I’ll bet that aside from living with the constant fear of being trampled and eaten alive and starving or freezing to death, everybody got along great back then. And you know why? Because moms were the peacekeepers.
    Page 2 of 2 - Then, somehow, moms lost their grip on Mankind. I’m not exactly sure how, but they did. Too many kids running around, maybe.
    Look, all I’m saying is that mothers have been proven mediators since the dawn of time and I feel like one of us should just step in and offer to straighten out the world’s chaos once and for all. I’m actually shocked it hasn’t happened up to now. I mean what world leader would say “no” to a mom when she said play nice? It just wouldn’t happen. One strategically-placed furrowed brow and a precisely-timed sigh and any head of state or world leader would be Jell-O. Because remember, adults are just overgrown kids.
    Just because the stuff people fight about in the modern world has evolved, doesn’t mean it isn’t basically the same stuff we fought about a 200,000 years ago when moms were the original referees. Territory. Relationships. Religion. Property. Those were the original problems and they’re still the problem today.
    See, somewhere along the line, most of these overgrown kids out there causing all these conflicts had moms. And most of them wouldn’t be caught dead disobeying her. So the way I see it, I just need to get everybody in a room, maybe strip them all down to their underwear just to level the playing field, and then remind them that we all just have to get along. And I’m not opposed to playing dirty if I have to by waving a little guilt around the room. Oh, I’ll do it!
    So back to my original question. Do you think I deserve at least a chance to get the job done? And if you do, maybe you know somebody and you can make a call and we can pull together a quick summit meeting so I can give out the appropriate timeouts and consequences. Then we can all move on and live in peace. It shouldn’t take long. Just private message me on Facebook and we can get things rolling. My schedule is pretty flexible.
    ——
    Lisa Sugarman lives in Marblehead, Massachusetts. Read and discuss her columns at facebook.com/ItisWhatitisColumn or follow her at itiswhatitiscolumn.wordpress.com. She is also the author of “LIFE: It Is What It Is” available on Amazon.com.

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