My wife made me go to the doctor, again. She thinks I’m unruly because I have something fixable that’s out of whack. She blames me and my behavior for my getting banned from the home improvement mega center. She thinks my health causes me to insult people that tell me to do stuff, like wear a mask or park outside of the fire lane. She’s wrong, but that’s a story for another day because I can’t comment on pending court cases.
I find it’s quieter if I concede marital battles early on, so I went to the doctor as instructed. After the wait in the outer lobby, I was weighed, and laughed at, in the inner lobby. Eventually I got into an exam room for the final wait.
After the wait my doctor came in and commented on my weight. He believes I gained about 60 pounds in the last year, but he’s wrong. I’m pretty sure that it’s been at least 13 months since I’ve seen him. That’s probably acceptable, but it explains why I’ve had to have my seat belt let out a couple of times.
When my blood work came back my cholesterol was higher than the national debt. It was higher than a 60s rock star in Amsterdam. I was facing having to take a pill every day so I decided to go on a diet instead.
This is my 95th diet, more or less. I’ve probably lost a ton or 2 over the eons. I’ve been on a cabbage soup diet that is so cruel the UN outlawed it. I was on an egg diet that made me eat so many ova, Tyson had to branch out to other meats due to a chicken shortage (which proves which came first).
I tried the “Keto” diet. When I say I tried the diet I mean that I looked at the book while I was in the department store. I considered the Hollywood diet but I’m afraid it’ll make me a liberal nut job, and cause me to lose my status as “inconsiderate old hate-monger-of-the-month”. I looked into the Scarsdale diet but it’s from the opposite liberal coast. I soured on the idea of a cider vinegar diet.
The only diet that has worked for me is what I call the “OCD Diet”. For about 2 years I used an app on my phone called “Lose It”. You enter everything you eat. It tells you if you overeat, as long as you’re honest and diligent. My goal was 1900 calories a day, and it required me to weigh frequently. It really works with my psychiatric issues. I credit the app and my psychosis with helping me lose the 60 pounds that I recently found again.
I’d stopped using the app, because I had a lapse in my disorder. In about a year I regained what had taken me twice that long to eliminate. That tells me that a little OCD goes a long way. I guess it’s time to restart the app so I don’t have to take pills and I don’t get in trouble for staying outside the lines. While it’s downloading I can alphabetize my food, like a good maniac. As for the home store, maybe the authorities will see my behaviors are a health issue. I can show them my app.
Contact Charlie at email@example.com or by writing him at PO Box 378, Norris City, Il 62869.